Friday, July 3, 2009

Advocacy for a Handkerchief

Think back to March. Any March. Perfect time to catch a cold if there ever is one. It's unavoidable : treat it, it will last 10 days; don't treat it, it will last one and a half week. It's just like infantile salubrity (or lack thereof)... it's a part of life!

There was Mr 11 suffering from the pre-spring ailment. 11 years of training (OK, 9 years of training... I did cut him some slack the first 2 years of his life!)... 11 years of teaching him to cough and sneeze in the crook of his elbow, in order to spare the innocent. Almost a decade people, A DECADE to teach the child that his spit and germ-ridden saliva are plain gross, disgusting, revolting... One tenth of a century sprinting to intercept the nasal expulsions of my progeny (14 years total, counting his older brother...).

The author of this post is proud to have succeeded. Indeed, when he anticipates a sneezing fit, Mr 11 quickly retires into intimacy to fully enjoy the sudden attack. Or, when the situation does not permit escape, he promptly turns around to intercept (himself) his expectoration in perfect prophylaxis (the above mentioned crook of the elbow).

But complete success still evades. Failure persists after over 3000 days of hard work. Mr 11 resists, to this day, to use a tissue paper. He prefers, by far, to sniff, inhale, suck in, well snort back in his precious mucus. Foul! Should I ask that he blows his nose immediately, he'll invariably answer "I'm good" ... Should I DEMAND immediate action to that effect, he'll pull out the pouty face of the deeply persecuted.

Lesson of the day (long version) : Love. You body is a marvellous machine, refined by millions of years of evolution, and equipped with subtle mechanisms of self-regulation, i.e. your snot. In the case of a healthy child (which best describes your condition, thank God) aggrieved by the common cold, intra-nasal seepage is anatomically normal, some say even desirable, in order to avoid or relieve nasal congestion. Thus ends our chapter on human biology.

Let us now discuss decorum. I applaud your solid mastery of your bodily foams. In fact, you demonstrate surprising meticulousness in intercepting all and any excretions your are afflicted by. But tissue paper is not your enemy, and my repeated requests to blow your nose are not punishments in disguise. You possess the required talent to include voluntary evacuation to your arsenal of secretion-control (licensed parents will recognize, here, the famous technique of positive validation commonly known as "the sandwich" : compliment - criticism - compliment).

Lesson for the day (short version) : When you repeatedly snort and swallow your snot, please know that it is absolutely repelling, creepy and yucky for the people around you. So, blow your nose for Pete's sake.

Lesson for the day (technical aspects) :
  1. Take a tissue paper (fold in two if of mediocre quality);
  2. Cover nose with tissue;
  3. Briskly exhale, pushing gently alternatively on each nostril while doing so;
  4. Fold tissue as to imprison gathered mucus;
  5. Wipe nose;
  6. Repeat steps 1 through 5 until empty;
  7. Throw away soiled tissues;
  8. Thoroughly wash hands with soap.