Emergencies for dummies

I had to leave the house for a few minutes today, with a big juicy ham simmering on the stove while 13-(going on 14)-year-old was "11-year-old-sitting". Within a split second, I had a sudden vision of horror : the ham exploded and set the house on fire. We have an evacuation plan, but we (the parents) are always part of the scenario. But what if ?

Lesson for the day (long version) : Should there be a fire in the house, remember dear child that NOTHING-ABSOLUTELY-NOTHING is worth sticking around for. Do NOT try to put out the fire. Do NOT try to fetch your favourite book (13 is an avid reader). Do NOT worry about the Wii (LP is an accomplished Wii-fiter). Do NOT look for you yu-gi-oh cards (11 is... hem... whatever they are!). We can replace everything and/or live without. Get yourself out of the house, by whatever means : out the door, out the window; break it if you must. Forget everything I taught you about respecting personal belongings (whoever's); do NOT be careful and DO get out !

Lesson for the day (short version) : Fire Bad! You Out! Now!

Homemaking

My kids do chores. I don't believe in "paying" them for chores, so their allowances are not tied to their chores. They are expected to contribute to the household to the extent of their capacity. Little Princess (almost 7) helps with folding facecloths, 11-year-old does dishes and takes garbage out, and 13-year-old dries dishes and cleans the bathroom (this is not a limitative list and should not be interpreted as such by 7, 11 and 13-year-old readers!).

As the complexity of tasks increace, I like to provide my slaves with explicit directions. For example, to ensure proper performance of the bathroom-maintenance task, I have provided thorough training, along with visual aids. I have posted a written step-by-step procedure :

1. Remove all items from the floor;
2. Empty garbage pail;
3. Clear the top of the sink and toothbrush rack (free standing unit, no counter, veeeeery tiny bathroom - expansion fantasies to be addressed in future posts!)
4. Fill pail with water and detergent (ask an adult);
5. Clean tub (including walls, shelves, faucet, etc.);
6. Clean toilet (including tank, cover, seat, rim, bowl, etc);
7. Clean toothbrush rack;
8. Clean sink (including faucet and backsplash);
9. Clean mirror with newspaper;
10. Wash floor;
11. Put everything back in place.

Not bad, hey ? What could possibly go wrong.

We did it together a few times to make sure cleaning was interpreted beyond the "wetting" part (refer to Bathing 101 for comparative analysis). Then, I let 13 (then 11) do it himself under loose supervision. And for the past 2 years, he's been "the man". After only one gentle reminder, he always sets himself to accomplish the task... quite nicely I must admit.

Until a few months ago. As he was finishing up his duty one Saturday morning, and I was close by getting ready for a load of laundry, I asked him "toss me your rags". Notice the plural ? Well... only ONE rag made it to the hamper. I ask my sweet progeny to provide me with his second rag. "I only used one!".

That's when I fainted !

Lesson for the day (long version) : Cleaning involves the removal of dust/grease/grime/germs/filth. Unfortunately, as our family is deprived of any bewitchery skills, cleaning usually involves the TRANSFER of said dust/grease/grime/germs/filth onto a medium (i.e. sponge or rag), which in turn releases itself of the unwated particles through rincing. This has a limited functionnal span though, as the medium eventually becomes ridden with grossness, at which point it must be thoroughly laundered for future usage. Enter the second (third, fourth, etc.) medium to continue the initial task. Should there be a limited supply of medium (let's say... a single rag), the task can still be accomplished, requiring though additional planning. Indeed, the sequence of cleaning steps must be re-arranged to process the smut in increasing levels. Failure to take these directions into consideration can lead to disgusting contamination of surfaces meant to be cleansed.

Lesson for the day (condensed version) : In the above procedure, include step 6.1 as "discard rag, and use a new one from this point on". Another option would be to re-arange the order of the steps above to 1-2-3-4-7-8-5-6-9-10-11.

Lesson for the day (short version) : When in a bind, clean butt germs with mouth germs, not the other way around!!!!

Our daily special is...

Little-princess is 6-going-on-7. She's always been very assertive, but willing to try new things. Lately though, little-princess has been increasingly fussy at meal times. Even the food she's always loved (i.e. avocados) is classified in the "I don't like it" section, only to be reclaimed a few weeks later ("I used to like them, then I didn't like them, and now I like them again... Isn't that funny mommy?)". Daddy, being in charge of making lunches for all 3 kids, has almost gone mental trying to figure out what to put in her lunch-box.

Here's sample of the dynamics involved :

Daddy : Do you want a ham sandwich in your lunch today ?

LP : No, I don't like it.

D : How about a chicken wrap ?

LP : No.

D : Beef-barley soup ?

LP : No.

D : COME ON !!!!!

LP : Ok, I'll have a ham sandwich

No comments.

But as this blog in not titled "Self-help for FUSLP (Fathers Unable to Stand up to their Little Princess)", and since, as they say, it takes two to tango, we'll address LP's culinary fuss.

Lesson for the day (long version) : We eat to live, not live to eat. If you are unable (or unwilling) to cook for yourself, or if you are a guest, the right thing to do is to accept what is offered to you, period. Without going into the poor-children-of-the-third-world-who-don't-get-enough-to-eat routine, let's just say that, should you not care for what is offered to you, you should not make a fuss about it. First, make a mental note to not include the disliked selection on your menu when you are out to college. Second, make a choice : you are free to eat what is in front of you... or not. If you choose the latter, please know that it is rude to ask for something else instead.

Lesson for the day (short version) : Eat what's in you plate or go without.

This is not a freaking restaurant.

Bathing 101

Over the past few months, my 11-year old has had a relapse in personal hygiene. I have had to go as far as threaten him to slap on my bathing suit and get in the shower with him for a hands-on demonstration. Arrrgghhhh!

Here is my son's current idea of bathing:

1. turn water on
2. get in shower
3. pour shampoo in hand
4. spread shampoo over hair ("spread" as in "one-stroke-down-the-head")
5. rinse
6. get out

Total time : 48 seconds

Don't get me wrong. I AM a strong believer in preserving our environment. I actually encourage my hole family to turn off the water while lathering. But this is ridiculous, Son!

Lesson of the day (long version): Bathing requires 3 very important components : Water, soap and friction. In addition, your body has 5 odour-generating, filth-gathering, lint-collecting and/or zit-prone areas that need to be taken care of everyday : hair, face, arm-pits, private areas and feet. Be sure to address each body part/area with the proper combination of cleanser and friction, then rinse well. Still not clear on how to do it ? Refer to a complete step-by-step procedure here!

Lesson of the day (short version): Soap-up and scrub!
( it's not THAT bad, I promise!)

Respect for the performer

How more touching does it get? Your second-born, on stage, sharing with the world his new passion for the clarinet at the school's fund-raising slash talent show. You are, at last, reaping the reward for hours and hours of painful practice - from the dreaded squeaks to the dead-on notes. Tear in the eye, heart beaming with pride. You are surrounded by parents who share your pride, most directing their full attention and their overboard enthusiasm towards ALL children in the show (they are all just so cute!).

Unfortunately, some folks come to these shows for the sole purpose of attending THEIR kid’s performance; they blatantly show that they could not care less for what is going on on stage when their offspring isn't in sight. If only they would yawn and doze off between the acts they came for... alas, they prefer to discuss household problems with their spouse, catch-up on the latest gossip with a fellow parent or ... well, "cell phone", need I say more?

Lesson for the day (long version) : When someone, especially a child, has gone through the trouble of preparing a performance (song, dance, lecture, etc), and you have CHOSEN to attend the event, you MUST show respect for ALL performers in the show by refraining from any disruptive behaviour (talking, phoning, fidgeting). Should you absolutely need to go to the bathroom, leave or use the phone (emergencies do happen), kindly wait in between acts to quickly usher yourself out.

Lesson for the day (short version) : At a show, shut up and sit still !

Remember that, as painful as they can be, each individual event serves as formal training, dear teenager of mine, for when you become a 7-figure CEO and are required to attend every opera premiere in the city (clapping and whistling etiquette to be addressed later).

Street Smarts, PART 1 (of many to come)

or the pressing need to re-state the obvious...

Picked-up my soon-to-be-14-year-old son on his way from school this afternoon. Picture this : narrow street, no sidewalks, lots of snow accumulation on either side (city running low on snow-removal budget I guess), big yellow school buses zipping by. Enter a sloppy teenager, walking with his back to traffic... READING A BOOK.

Now... I'm a strong believer in the educational, intellectual, motivational, inspirational and enlightening values of reading. But for the love of God.... not at the risk of loosing you life !!!!!

Lesson of the day (long version) : DON'T TRUST CAR DRIVERS. Always walk AGAINST traffic, especially if no sidewalks are available. And keep your eyes on the road... just in case an a**hole misses a curve or a stop sign. Be alert at all times !

Lesson of the day (short version) : The can is a much safer place for reading!

Etiquette

I am not one to expect my kids to be seen and not heard. But I dream of the day when my kids will know the difference between finger food (e.g. tacos) from meals requiring proper flatware (e.g. spaghetti) without maternal interference.

As I am an eternal optimist (most days), I remind myself, today, that I MUST MAKE SURE THEY KNOW :

• To wait before everyone had been served at the table before digging in (we'll work on the "hot plate" exception as we go along).
• When trying to get in or out of a store (or other public venue), be sure to hold the door for the person following you, or the person passing you. And be sure to say "you're welcome", especially loud if they haven't thanked you (who said good manners and attitude were incompatible!).
• When you call someone on the phone, DO NOT say "who is this?" to the person answering you. Introduce yourself first, and politely request the person you wish to talk to. DO NOT mumble - speak clearly. This is a great opportunity to apply cross-curricular competencies : "Please" and "Thank you" can be used on the phone TOO !
• On the subject of phone calls, 911 is for EMERGENCIES ONLY. If you feel like chatting with someone, CALL GRANDMA!!! (remember, Zack ?)
  

The very obvious...

Ok, here we go ! OBVIOUSLY, every kid, no matter what age, should know how to :

• Say please and thank you
• Brush their teeth
• Flush the toilet
• Kiss mommy with their mouth closed
• Tell the front-end from the back-end of a shaggy dog
  

How specific ?

In the summer of 2008, in the middle of what seemed like a never-ending heat wave, I felt a storm coming. Literally... A thunderstorm was definitely on it's way. Feeling the wind pick-up, and seeing the clouds moving in, I asked my 13-year-old son to run upstairs and shut the windows. And that was when I discovered I was failing at parenting.



He looked at me, eyes wide opened, and said “I don't know how” ! I took a deep deep breath and said “Approach the window and puuuuuulllll down!”. I never thought I'd have to be THAT specific !

OK, I realise I was getting “'tude” from a teenager in bloom, who actually knew how to close the darn windows. But this event caused me to reflect on what I had taught my kids so far, and what I had not.... yet ! (forgot to ? assumed they knew ? did not think it mattered ?) .

So, I set on making sure that, as my three kids grew older, they knew everything they ought to know to get away with LIFE!